Recipes you think would make excellent weapons

[sunspots4ever]

The nearest big mall around here has a store selling nothing but hot sauces, chilies of various kinds, and stuff related to all things hot. Perhaps some research is called for?  

 (A couple of hot sauce bottles have the skull and crossbones on them...)

[Sarah90]

Require more recipes!  Ta!
(Will proffer others if required...)!?  :rolleyes :rolleyes  (burps a bit 'cos of S. Hem. light lager...)... ... ...

[sunspots4ever]

what's cooking, downunder, Sarah?

[Sarah90]

OO ERR!!!  Just found your request Sunny...went into a bit of a dither ...hmmm...'Down Under' recipes!?!  (Dies in bottom of person instantly  as...Oh No... ok ...smart and erudite fellows pursue the bloomin' obvious! ...so will ignore that and get to a jolly fine recipe...immediately...tomorrow!)

Mm...mmm!  What a yummy Aussie dish will I be serving up for you!!!  8o 8o  !!!

[Tiglath III]

This seems to be an appropriate location for this account of a novice chilli taster.

>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.  
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.  
>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy @#%$, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.  
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be  
taken seriously.  
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs
more beans.  
>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of  
peppers.  
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @#%$-faced from all of the beer.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.  
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly  
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.  
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good  
balance of spices and peppers.  
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.  
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I @#%$ myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili  
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.  
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like @#%$ to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.  
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[Sarah90]

Ya know when you find some recipes that were sooo good...and then you forgot them?  (Rubs hands together as assembles shopping list, according to aforementioned ingredients,   and for various recipes/next 'guest'...) !!!  :b :b

[Sarah90]

ok...have attempted a few of these, and so far, the best explosive weapon was: Kelvar's Korean Kim Chi... (though 'Napa' cabbage had to be substituted with 'Oz' cabbage; and 'Korean radish' ...ditto; also had to leave out 'Sponge Seaweed' which I substituted with sommat I found on beach a few days ago)...everything else followed exactly according to instructions...

And it bloody well blew me brain out of the bottom of me person!!!

(Oh...erm...just noticed I was s'posed to leave it to ferment or sommat ...for 4 weeks?...!) ...What can I say?  

(Suggest usage in ...WAN matters?)...

[Original Labatt]

We need to use the prototype weapons now!

[Peter]

Okay, this is a spin-off of the "flame the french" thread in open discussion..

So far we have: "Piercing with a baguette" and Remcooks Swordfish. The swordfish seems like an easy-to-use weapon, a point-and-stick type. (programmers humor)

Horrible and cruel thoughts please!

Peter

[Peter]

The Anti-Personnel Pizza: Gigantic pizza on the ground, designed to trap enemy peeps in sticky mozzarella. (use your judgement on how hot the pizza might be to set the device effectiveness)

In times of peace, this lethal device can be used to feed the starving.

Peter

[Remcook]

You can't do without goat cheese. Make sure to wear a gass-mask when applying.

What about genuine ninja clams? (just to be sure: you throw them)

Not in good shape here...

[dingo15068]

No, not goat cheese...LIMBERGER CHEESE PIZZA...with Anchovies and Kim-Chee....Add Philipineo peppers....Set on counter for 12 hours before placing in Bozo's oven....Set temperature to 150 - 200 degree's.  Break off control nob, and spot weild shut the oven door.  Turn off fridgerator, prop open door.  Place dead skunk in airvent of heater.  Turn on house heater and depart.  (Do this 4 hours before Bozo returns home)...USE SURGICAL GLOVES when setting this bomb up.  :evil :evil

[Sarah90]

As I was missing the dead skunk and spot-welder ingredients, I had to resort to something a bit more 'local':  Should you - by any chance - have access to/enjoy a prawn (shrimp) or two, save the discarded heads, cook 'em up in a few pints of water, cool, and then pour the fluid into any available vents of offending vehicle.   This will ensure a lifelong stink-up, resulting in disorientation and distortion of all senses of persons operating said transport ...(so I have been told...).    

[dingo15068]

Freshwater prawns would work (crawfish, crawdeads).  A substitute for a spot welder would be Epoxy.  Big thing about using seafood instead of "skunk" is that you accually can get rid of the seafood smell, but it takes a lot of work...(Buttermilk is the ingrediant used, so is lemon juice).

If you have the "time" and expertise, you can change out the "trip switches" in the Bozo's fuse box, and increase the amperage up several levels.  Does wonders to electronics.  Also coating and letting dry all plugs with superglue is something else.  Because it is invisible to the naked eye, the Bozo will spend several $$$$ replacing all of their "broken" equipment, when there really is nothing wrong.  The superglue will prevent contact.  For additional idea's get a set of books by "George Hayduke"

[Sarah90]

Thanks for that Dingo!

Meanwhile, back at the recipe matter, have something (supposedly from "Sacred Heart Memorial Hospital" which my hubby asked me to check on...("used for overweight heart patients who need to lose weight rapidly before surgery")...(me hubby ain't about to have surgery...he just looks around for various ways to manage his weight matters, and this is the latest one):

The Fat-Burning Soup:
6 large green onions
2 Bell peppers
2 cans of tomatoes
1 bunch of celery
1 LARGE HEAD OF CABBAGE
1 pkg Lipton Onion Soup Mix

(Add salt, pepper, curry, parsley, 3 Knorr-Swiss boillon cubes.  Boil and simmer).

"This can be eaten anytime you are hungry.  Eat as much as you want, whenever you want and at any time of the day.  ... If eaten alone for indefinite periods you will suffer malnutrition.  Fill a thermos in the mornings if you will be away during the day."

(...hopefully, away from any person/s at all !?!)

(I checked the "Sacred Heart Memorial Hospital" site, and found nothing about this, so accordingly,  presume it's good to use as weapon ...?)!!!  

(Thinks:  In case anyone wonders, I should add: Will advise me hubby against this!...).   :smokin :smokin    

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