As an ironic blast at some of the nuts on the BBC MBs I've posted a series of (I hope) funny articles on Giraffe Unified Theory by my tame giraffe - Henry P Giraffe. I thought I'd post one up to see if anyone wants to read them..
(clip clop in the background...foreground mutterings and barely heard moaning along the lines......cking hoof filter weighs a ton......upid damn Giraffe always poos on the carp....)The truth about Fossils
Good evening science fans.
Henry P Giraffe here to sort out a few of these damn silly statements I am seeing on the board here concerning fossils and similar.
OK - now you are all familiar with GUT (Giraffe Unified Theory) and I have already conclusively proved in other posts that the entire universe was, in fact, the result of a bit of the old excess stomach gasses one day a few billion years ago. Let's take it as read that we all understand this - it's the way it happened. I know because I was there.
Now we need to consider all this fossil nonsense. Look...it's quite simple - this is how it was.
One morning, about 7003BC on a Tuesday, I was having a bit of a chin-wag with my old friend Noah. He had just finished showing me his new boat - Arc 1 - with which he was planning to make an attempt on the water-speed record. It was a pretty nifty piece of carpentry - basic oak hull with nice outriggers carved in Pine. He was putting the finishing touches to the engine as I arrived - twin sheet sail with supercharged spinnaker and super-slick lanyards - quite a piece of work I can tell you.
Anyway Mrs Noah had made quite a spread and I felt a bit bad saying I was a veggie, so I put aside my diet for the day and dug right in.
It was a seafood masterpiece I can tell you. Steamed clams, shrimps in sauce, Lobster thermidor...a gastronomic delight. We also laid into Noah's secret stash of homebrew which he had confiscated from Shem and Ham previously on account of their still being built on the Sabbath and that not being in the spirit of things...
Anyway, the day rolled on, the food and booze flowed freely and pretty soon I was absolutely in need of the littlest room.
Now it's a little known fact but there are very few conveniences suitable for a person of my stature. In fact I hadn't had a jimmy-riddle for at least a couple of thousand years, what with being busy with the various creating and tending and nurturing and stuff. Turns out that Noah hasn't got around to building a convenience either and muttered something about bushes and dock-leaves...
Putting aside sanitary considerations and wishing to spare the blushes of Mrs Noah (I happen to be rather well endowed in that department), I made for the nearby bushes in order to point Percy at the Pine.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I started my ablutions and it seemed to go on for some considerable time. You guys out there know what I'm talking about...just never seemed to stop.
When I looked around I found that the whole damn valley was now running with a new yellow river. Fortunately Noah had seen the flood rising and had chucked Ham, Shem, Japheth and Mrs Noah in the new boat, along with the family pets and a couple of goats, sheep and cows. They were doing fine sailing around. In the deluge it seems that all the shells from our repast had been swirled around and deposited in the mud and goo. Fortunately I was able, being endowed generously in the snorkelling department on account of my neck, to seek high ground and clambered up the nearby hillock - Ararat I think it was called. A bit later, when the flood had gone down and Noah and the kids were tying the boat up, we said that it would be really funny if future people dug around in the mud and found our shells and bits of crab, lobster and such. What would they make of it, we wondered.
Well now you know folks. That's how the whole thing happened. I know because I was there.
Henry P Giraffe.
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